Not on duty again, this post is going to be on a slightly serious note because I'm getting tired of some people's attitude... I'll try not to dwell too much otherwise things can turn a little dark.
The last week of work is like trying to fight against a tsunami or a hurricane with the amount of vaccination enquiries. Pretty much to the point where every answer we give is a stock answer (with some slight amendments. I had to throw my phone far, far away because everytime when I look at it, there's a lot of things going on, otherwise I won't be able to sleep properly.
I know, I know, I'm trying detach myself from work, but it's not easy, especially when you're working 24 hour shifts. My doctors been telling me to detach myself from the work, but I just can't seem to do it. Even when I'm off duty, I have to hover around the Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia Facebook, Khairy's Twitter (I do not have a Twitter, I just hover around), the huge news outlet because that is where most of the medical updates come from. People nowadays are tech savvy, so we also have to keep up with them.
I never understood why people feel the constant need to blast negativity in social media. I'm not just talking about bad reviews, I mean like bringing up things that have happen years ago, like, what point are you trying to make? Something happened 4 - 5 years ago, you're going to keep bringing it up? I know someone at my workplace who will never let me forget it on how I made one small mistake of putting the wrong label on the OT slip - Which I immediately rectify once I found out, thanks to the OT Team being diligent and giving me a call: "Sis, we think you put the wrong sticker label on the OT slip. Could you come up and verify it?" My doctor wasn't even mad, because thank God I managed to fix the mistake before it became a big issue (I also Whatsapp them later several times apologizing and they told me: "As long as you can rectify it before it becomes a big issue, then it's okay, do be careful next time.") They'll be even more mad if no one checks on the mistake, and we brought the wrong patient in, that'll be a huge medico-legal issue. This person, whenever they see my face, will always bring it up: "You know, this person had stuck the wrong sticker on the OT slip." Yeah, 4 - 5 years ago, for crying out loud! How would you like it if someone keeps bringing something up to your face that things that have happened years ago? Don't you want to see people learn from their mistakes and grow? Lord knows I screw up a lot as well, but I learn from my mistakes. That's how human grow. To give you another example, I once accidentally spilled some expensive meds due to a faulty product. Of course people were disappointed with me, but after that incident, I attended a course on how to avoid any accidents or potential faulty product, and it has never happened ever since. No one is perfect, we are all flawed beings. We learn, we adapt, we grow. No, it's not something that can magically happen overtime. It's called progress, baby steps. I also highly urge you to read this blog by Dr Phang, which I have a copy printed and stuck outside my room door:
https://www.mindfulgymalaysia.com/post/10-things-not-helpful-to-say-to-people-with-depression**, published by Dr Phang Cheng Kar on 9th October 2018, updated on 14th September 2019
I have been off meds for years now, and as mentioned in one of my early posts, I'm trying to be kinder to my physical, but most importantly, mental health. I still struggle internally, but I try to avoid things that triggers. I used to be extremely pessimistic, but some people forced me not to talk so negatively, and forced me to focus on the positive things. It took years, but at least I stopped being so pessimistic. It's why I keep my mind occupied, and I stay away from negativity on the internet, and stick strictly to music contents only. Sometimes, we just want people to listen to us. We don't expect you to answer, but just listen to us, that's good enough.
People around me kept asking me to go and promote my books, writing and editing service, and essays online (For better exposure and to be more noticeable) which always makes my heart pound fast. For one thing, I don't think I'm thick skinned enough to survive social media. I admire people who put themselves out there, you know, especially some Youtubers who I enjoy watching , because it's not easy to get up on camera and talk, or even put your content out there (Heck, I still struggle to do case presentations in front of people). Confidence and charisma is something that you build overtime, it's not something that a textbook can teach you, just like writing. You can attend writing courses to learn tips and tricks, but writing is something that you have to learn on your own. If you have seen my earlier posts and now, you'll see there is a massive difference. That's call improving on my writings. I never thought I would write a crime fiction (It's out of my genre), and expand on essays and short stories, it just shows you life is full of surprises.
Back to the topic at hand, I'm not entirely condemning social media. I was lucky to have met good people and I use it mainly to connect with friends (especially those who are based in overseas). You know, I voiced this out to one of my patients while I was doing their dressing and they gave me a good advice: "Social media is not exactly bad per se, but it's how you use it." They're right. Social media is something that can be truly wonderful when utilized correctly, but like most things, it's a double-edged sword. I'm not going to give a lecture here, you use it how you want it, just don't use it to slander people. As I have always said, words hurts more than a knife wound. You don't like someone, don't leave nasty things on their social media, just ignore, don't engage, don't watch their content. And please, for God's sake, don't sent people death threats. At the end of the day, don't forget, the people behind the screens are human beings as well, they have feelings too. Besides, there's always two sides to every stories, so don't go judging a book by its cover.
Dr. Phang Cheng Kar
Oct 9, 2018
4 min read
10 Things Not Helpful To Say To People With Depression
Updated: Sep 14, 2019
By Dr. Phang Cheng Kar (M.D.), Consultant Psychiatrist & Mindfulness-Based Therapist
Major Depressive Disorder (a.k.a. Clinical Depression) is a severe medical condition that negatively affects the way we think, feel, and act. Effective treatment of depression includes good social support. Despite with good intention, we sometimes say things that are unhelpful or may worsen a person's depression:
(1) Don’t be lazy; you’re wasting your time!
WHY NOT? Feeling tired all the time and loss of interest in activities are common symptoms of depression. "Lazy" implies that the person is having an attitude problem or is making it up.
Say: It must be very frustrating feeling tired and moody all the time. You won’t be able to do things for yourself and others. That must be a terrible feeling.
(2) Nothing is impossible; think positive and be strong.
WHY NOT? Having depression is not a sign of weakness. Depression is an illness, not a weakness. Many great people in the world had depression, e.g., Winston Churchill (British Prime Minister), J.K. Rowling (author of Harry Potter), and Jim Carrey (actor and comedian).
Say: I'm sure it's tough going through all the difficulties. Maybe you’re too strong for too long, and it's time for more self-compassion.
(3) Be grateful; many people have a worse experience.
WHY NOT? This response may be invalidating or disrespecting the emotional pain of a depressed person. They may also think, "Yes, I'm so ungrateful and useless. People can cope and move on, but I can't. I’m a burden to others."
Say: It’s unfortunate that so many bad things had happened to you. Thank you for sharing your experience. We’ll see what we can do to help you cope with the challenges.
(4) It’s a result of your bad karma or sin; do more good and let go-lah!
WHY NOT? We may induce or worsen guilt and shame feeling which are common in depression. It may also trigger thoughts of worthlessness, "I'm not good enough.”
Say: Bad things sometimes do happen in life and nobody knows why. It happened to me/ my relatives/ my friends too (share your experience). It's painful. Let’s try to move on together.
(5) How long more do you want to be depressed?
WHY NOT? Being depressed is not a deliberate choice. People with depression are often victims of abuse (e.g. bullied in school) and discrimination (deprived of a job opportunity).
Say: Wow, you’ve been struggling for so long. It must be challenging to go through this alone. Well done for not giving up. Let me know if there’s anything that I can support. We care for you.
(6) You think you’re the only one with problems?
WHY NOT? Yes, all of us have problems. But we have different strength and weakness in coping with problems. It’s not helpful to judge people’s ability to cope.
Say: I also have issues (share your experience). We have different strength and weakness. We can help each other to solve issues. Let me know if you wish to share yours. Maybe we can discover a solution together.
(7) Stop pretending to be depressed!
WHY NOT? Nobody chooses or pretends to have cancer. The same applies to depression, a medical condition with neurobiological changes in the brain and body. A small number of people with depression might have personality issues (e.g., using the illness to avoid responsibilities or seek attention). Bear in mind that they're the minorities. Most of them want to recover from depression but are helpless in battling the disease.
Say: Perhaps you don’t have to try so hard pretending to be happy. Sometimes, it’s OK not to be fine. I know you've tried your best. It’s a horrible illness.
(8) You must be too free and thinking too much. Why don’t you do something useful, e.g., exercise?
WHY NOT? Depression is not necessarily caused by having too much of time, doing nothing, or thinking negatively. A person with depressive mood has biochemical abnormalities in the brain and body that cause them to have no strength to work on things. Just as a person with knee injury can’t walk, a person with ‘mood injury’ (depression) can’t work.
Say: Feeling restless and like you’re wasting time is an awful experience. Let’s start with doing the easy tasks.
(9) Never have suicidal thought. Your family will be hurt if you die of suicide.
WHY NOT? Nobody wants to end their lives prematurely. People with depression want to end their pain; not their lives. Having suicidal thought is not a choice. It’s the consequence of the pain of depression. Don’t add more pain by making them feel sorry for having suicidal thoughts.
Say: Depression is painful, and it’s understandable that you wish to end the pain. Depression is treatable! Let’s seek advice from mental health professionals for proper treatment of the pain. I know this good doctor personally/ I heard of this excellent doctor. Would you like me to help you to get an appointment?
(10) Your depressive mood will become a form of negative energy to others.
WHY NOT? A depressed person knows very well that moodiness and negative thoughts are unhealthy (just like a person with chickenpox infection knows that it’s contagious). When we say the above, they may feel guilty for emotionally disturbing the people around them.
Say: It’s unavoidable for a person suffering from depression to feel moody. I know you don’t wish to be like that. No worries and don’t feel bad as people wouldn’t blame you if they have a proper understanding of depression. Let’s move on. You have my support.
In brief, refrain from giving unsolicited advice as it often makes things worse. Just listen attentively with empathy and be supportive (e.g., offer tissue paper for crying, give a gentle pat on the shoulder, and adopt a friendly body posture and facial expression).
Let the mental health professionals offer advice (they have more effective ways of doing that). Don’t damage your relationship with your loved ones because of the advice; it’s not worth it. Your job is to listen and be patient with the patient. That’s good enough.
