9th March (Monday) - Don't you ever hate that feeling? The part where you are often bullied or someone is making your life hell and no one takes you seriously. "Oh, I'm sure those people are nice. You are just over-reacting." "Don't speak nonsense." "I'm sure So-and-So doesn't mean it..." "Stop saying that you are depressed. You are NOT." "Stay silence again and I'll slap you..."I heard all of it before, and I'm really sick of hearing it, especially from my own family. It's like listening to a broken jukebox. Do they think those hollow look are just for show? Or the fact that I always look so tense when I'm going to work? Or does the fact that I look so robotic barely even got their attention? No, they just think I had a severe lack of confidence. I am shy, I'll admit that, with some self-esteem issue, but do they how I was often bullied to the point where I'm on the verge of tears? Or to the point where dark thoughts runs through my mind whenever I'm feeling down? No, it never does. Sad to say but that's how most parents act these days. No offence. I've been reading news on how children get bullied in school, and most parents shrug it off as though it's no big deal.
The problem is most people these days thinks major depression is something that will just go away. Maybe... But these days I'm getting a lot of dark thoughts where sometimes I can't remember how I got lines running down my arms. And no matter what I do, my own family had never, ever, gave me motivation, expect making me feel worse about myself. "You are always so tense and shy, no wonder why everyone always step on you." "You always have to do stupid mistakes. Why can't you be like HER? She's perfect in everything she does." "Why do you always end up doing the same thing at every place? You're useless." "Stop talking thrash. There's no such thing in the world as depression. You've been drinking too much of your psychology tutor's words." "If you say that you are depressed one more time, I'll throw away all of your books." And I assure you, there's nothing worse than your own family not believing you. Because all of it were just words, they don't take it too seriously. If only they knew by seeing how I was treated on the inside. Outside there's no physical scars, but mentally and emotional scars are something that's beneath. I lost count how many people had took a look at my face and said, "Do you need to go to see the psychiatrist?" Believe me, I wanted to. But psychiatrist fees cost a lot of money, and my salary aren't able to cover it, not to mention the number of sessions that I may need to attend to, depending on how things goes.
I'm not saying that I don't love my new workplace. I love it, honestly, I love it truly and I embraced all the jobs that came to me, but old ghosts from my past seemed to haunt me. Sometimes when I screwed up, I suddenly paled and blank out, unable to concentrate on the task I've been given. The senior girl is worried about me, because as she put it, "With no morale support and back up, you can't survive." I poured out all my woes to her over breakfast and lunch were we had some private time, and she really advised me to go to a psychiatrist or a counsellor to sort out my wasteland of a life out of concern. Seeing how I delayed this for too long, maybe I might...
O-Town - Coming to the Rescue
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAKhFaF-Xz0
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