Dam Breaks

26th March (Thursday) - Okay, I knew things are going to be tough, but tough to the point where all the Directors and Sisters came rushing in? That was really extreme. I screwed up, okay, maybe it's not something big, but the tiniest mistake on an MC is a very big no-no. Because it's not nice, and it's a legal issue. And slow response (me again) is another big no-no. When patients comes in with active bleeding, you immediately grab the patient to the nearest treatment room and start the dressing and prep. Sad to say, I foolishly listened to the clerk, because of her statement, "There's nobody to take care of the counter." So, like an obedient slave, I did as she was told. Then I got a major lecture from my mentor for sitting at the counter. Oh for the love of, why did I listen to the clerk? WHY????
I was seething with anger, not at my mentor, mind you, but myself. I hated myself, loathe, abhor, you name it, frustrated not only of today, but with all of my previous days, getting chased out by a doctor who reminds me of So-and-So back at you-know-where, the paperworks, forgetting to charge my patient for their extras, not delving deeper into my patient's background, I was so hurt to the point where I clawed my hands til the Sisters and Director barge in like S.W.A.T. (in a nice way) to stop me from inflicting damage on myself. No, I'm dead serious. All the times I inflicted self-harm on myself were found out by them, and they told me to please, please stop. I will admit, I wasn't a pretty sight, my hands were red against my pale skin, so you can actually see the nails and lacerations all over, and tears are just streaming down from my face, and I was crying so hard til I can't even speak, only make gurgling sounds. And all the while I sounded like a lunatic, going, "What did I done wrong?" "I hate myself, I want to die right now." in a really ghostly moan and wailing. It was that bad. They listened to my woes, and despite all the snot-crying, as Zoey Redbird likes to say, they were nice to me and attempted to help me, by getting me psychological help to get me out of that dark, dark black hole. The Director is a really great lady, firm and sweet at the same time, she told me, "Nurses are powerful in the world. You may not see it now, but try doing it next time you fill out some forms. You will be very surprised with the reactions you get." Well, I haven't had the chance to see the magic works yet, but it'll come in time. She also made me swore on my heart, that I won't grab a blade and whatnot, including fingernails, to hurt myself any more, accident or intentional. And I do intend to keep that promise. I really do. Because my department is so small, when I inflict harm on myself, they'll be affected by me too. A very nice change, compared to my previous work place where everyone were ANTI-ME from the start, except for the nice profs and patients.
So what if my friends and family laugh and condemn nurses, just because we are not doctors, profs, or CEO and those big head honcho-type, the Director really had me convinced that nurse is something that I can be proud of, and I should never, ever let anyone shoot me down. As mentioned, not everyone can be nurses, it took 3 years of hellish training to pull through, and not to mention my beloved license, which has to be renewed every year. YES, which job has something like that? She mentioned people may go down overtime and they still have their job, but not nurses, never nurses, because we have to be competent. One false step and your license gets swept up under your feet.
So yeah, it wasn't a great day to begin with, but gradually, after talking to the Sisters and Director, I felt much better. Now, I think it's time I go for a shower and turn in early. Crying and pouring out your feelings is really exhausting work.