22nd November (Saturday) - The first thing when I came back from my day off was everyone took one look at me and said, "You lost your smile." Well, wouldn't you if you had cared for that patient for more than a month, from the time she was able to walk to a condition that left her bed-ridden. Sigh, I know I should be moving on and I'm trying, but it's not easy. It's like the time where my family's beloved baby bulldog passed, the doctors attempted CPR and when failed, the doctor released his anger by kicking the trolley, frustrated and sad because he couldn't save him. Same goes here. Be it pet or human lives.
I must've been worse than I thought, no, I'm still dong my work alright, it's just that I'm not smiling a lot and I looked so gloomy, even the way I talked sounded gloomy. One of the patients who trusted me enough after a few exchanges of taking care of her husband asked me why I was so gloomy and I told her.what happened on Tuesday. Although all all my colleagues said I did not neglect my duties, there's no helping that patient because she's already in a critical stage. The lady too, said, that it's fated. I was monitoring her hubby's saturation level and oh no, 94%. No, no no, no. I immediately put on oxygen for the patient and advised the lady, to please, please don't remove the oxygen unnecessarily. I know most people think, oh, oxygen saturation at 94- 95 is not such a big deal, but it's a very big deal, as evidenced by my previous patient. No more taking any risks. It's like I always say, one minute you may be alright and next thing you may be half gasping for breath and such. The patient took my advice patiently and made sure to check the oxygen levels and that the oxygen is always in place. Her hubby may be a little stubborn but he's doing his best. He may have cancer but he's still fit as a fiddle.
Another lady whom I take care of is one of the regular patients for chemo. She was so touched by my constant patience with her that she got me some Lo Han Guo fruits from Singapore. Aww, thanks. Sincerely.
On and off I've been really stressed over dressings, blood transfusions, and drips til one of the prof whom I'm okay with asked me whether I'm alright and I told him I'm really stressed out to the point I felt like throwing up. He then told me a story when he was a new doctor, he used to get bullied by seniors nurses, midwives and such. Yikes, who would've thought? He told me to just be patience and keep going moving onwards.
When I took care of the uncle again, his wife asked me whether I believe in God, and I said, even though I'm a Buddhist, I usually pray more to God due to having many friends who are Christian, whenever I get up every day, I always make a small prayer that I'm alive and pray that the whole day will turn out well, who knows, you may end up looking healthy and dropping the next day or such. Scary, isn't it? That's how unpredictable life is, that's why we have to make it worth to the fullest.
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