Injustice and Arrogance

But the stars that marked our starting fall away.

We must go deeper into greater pain,

for it is not permitted that we stay.

- Inferno, Dante Alighieri 

16th August (Tuesday) - "Define crazy patients." My relative snapped at me.
I felt my stomach tighten because this is usually how she asks things. With her chin high and her eyes laser pointing at you. I wish they would stop asking about my job, because I know that I'll never be on par with their doctorate titles, but they didn't have to snub me for my nursing job.
So I stuttered slightly, "Well, I was working with a haematlogist-"
"How dare you call the patients crazy. They are all cancer patients with leukemia, lymphoma and thalassemia major, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Snapping back at them like that."
Let me tell you I had to excused myself and lock myself in the washroom and cried. Because only my work colleagues know how the patients are. I haven't yet encountered cancer patients except in the medical oncology side, but the haematologist side so far only have blood monitoring and blood transfusions to be done in the daycare or ward. Yet, as you can see on the above conversation, I was rudely cut off and was berated for being... rude to my patients. I had never once fight with my patients, because there's no point in fighting with them. You can fight with them and win the battle, but the cost? Your name and image will get tarnished and smeared in black. By not fighting back, you actually win the battle. Do you know? You lose nothing, you gain nothing, but you did not lose your level to sink down low to their level. And that's a win for me.
So yeah, after I came out of the crying phrase, my other relative, kinder than the first asked me, "You're still in a clinic, right?" And I said yes. Then he told her, "You see, she's only in a clinic, not the ward for crying out loud. But why did you say that they were crazy?"
So I explained. That the haematologist doctor I was covering has certain strict flow to follow, and he's always in a hurry. He often give his patients a fixed time and they have to make it before half time, because that's when he will run off to another clinic. There were patients who are regulars of his, yet they don't follow the rules, walking in late, never doing their blood tests, demanding for MCs despite having a minor problem, in short, pissing him off. And my relative, the one who snubbed me, did not apologize, but just huffed, thinking that I am an incompetent nurse. I know I'll never be on par with doctors, but deep down, I know how I treated my patients, and that's good enough. Because some people will never see things past the surface.
So I was assigned to another doctor, and I really, really dislike his patient. The first patient registered quite early and came up to me. She was pleasant enough, pretty young lady in casual clothes. She passed me an MC slip and said the date was wrong. Since I did not know the story behind I asked her for the whole thing. The date was supposed to be July, but was instead written as June, so I told her politely to have a seat while we wait for doctor to come in.
The phone rang and it was the previous girl who took care of the clinic. She asked me whether that patient had arrived and had she really made a mistake in the MC, so I told her yes and that I'll get doctor to fix it. The patient, I think must have misunderstood because next thing I know, she was yelling at me with all sorts of words. (Edited slightly for confidential purpose, the real thing is worse, hundred times worse)
"YOU BLOODY SHUT THE HELL UP RIGHT NOW! I'M REALLY NOT FEELING WELL AND YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST SNUB ME?! I HAD BEEN ACCUSED OF TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY MEDICAL LEAVES AND I DO NOT! I AM A PHYSICIAN, A SPECIALIST, SO I BLOODY DEMAND THE SAME RESPECT FROM YOU LIKE HOW YOU NORMALLY TREAT YOUR PATIENTS! SO SHUT THE HELL UP AND GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, OR I WILL TAKE YOUR NAME AND GIVE IT TO YOUR HEAD! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW MY MEDICAL RIGHTS?!"
Oh. My. God. My ears were ringing from all that shouting. The girl, still on the line, immediately dropped the phone and came running to my aid. At the same time, some senior girls as well. And she was still yelling until the clinic at the either ends could actually hear every single word. And all the patients were staring as well. I was at a total lost because I had no idea what happened, and my mind was at a complete blank. The girls were trying to calm her down but she was still yelling at the top of her voice until the doctor came, and then she was all smiles. The girls managed to settled things for her, and the one who did the mistake apologized to her, but the patient coldly told her, "You are not fit to be a nurse." Ugh. Humans are imperfect, flawed beings. We do tend to do mistakes, but of course we try not to. I also did a mistake last year regarding the wrong date. But instead of shouting, the patient nicely said, "It's okay, please change the date so that I can claim my insurance." And voila, problem solved.
The most horrible thing was the patient had evidently complained about me to the doctor, because my head came down and asked me for the story. The good thing was she knew that I had just came in, so she said, "Don't worry. I'm not here to scold you. I just want to know the story." So I did my part, and I was off the hook. Because I had never assisted this doctor for a really long time, so how would I know what had happened previously. And the doctor I mentioned, he always takes the patients' side, never ours. My old doctor would listen to both sides, and if he thinks you are doing wrong, he won't report you to the head (unless it's a HUGE mistake), but he just said sternly, "Please don't do that ever again." If the patient is wrong, he won't lash out, but told them in a firm voice that they shouldn't come late and stuff. Why, oh why, did he have to listen to whatever things they twisted up with?
The girl in the neighbouring clinic came over when he wasn't in and told me that I wasn't the only one. The others who came before me suffered the same thing as well. Wrong date, wrong appointment, any tiny mistakes and the head will come and question you. Really, it's like being in a minefield, one wrong step and BOOM! to kingdom come.
People said he was kind cause he's always smiling, whereas another doctor was cold, arrogant and sarcastic. I rather be with a cold, sarcastic doctor with a kind heart tan once that smiles in front of me and then planned where to put the knives on my back. I assisted many doctors who people told me were loud, obnoxious, rude, sarcastic, mean and when I worked with them, I realized that they are really kind people, who often tries to help the patients in their needs. There are kind doctors with kind heart, I won't deny, and there are some who really just mean all the way through. Two sides of a coin, it's just whether I struck lucky or not.
That patient will be coming back for her next follow up. And I will still be polite to her, but the respect that I gave her, I'm taking it back. Treat me like trash and I'll still treat you the same as always, but my respect, you can't have it anymore.    

Does Size Matters

In-con-veiv-a-ble - Too strange or unusual to be thought real or possible
(Dictionary of Contemporary English, Longman,7th edition, printed in 2007)

15th August (Monday) - Santa Maria, I really despise family reunions. It's bad enough that you are related to a whole family of doctors, lawyers and accountants, but the worst of it all is the comparing. "What kind of job are you working as?" "How many As did you get in your exams?" "Why don't you become a doctor/ banker/ investment manager/ etc etc?" What irks me the most is people take one look at you and said, "You're so fat." !!!! Seriously??? If it is strangers, I don't mind. But your own blood, that is going too far.
I'll be honest here, I'm not thin, nor am I obese, I'm just somewhere in between, average, maybe with a little flesh since my hips are big, hence finding a one piece dress for me are absolute no-nos, and because my hips are big, I have to go for empire-waisted dresses so that my hips don't emphasize too much. But what ticks me is that in my family, we are all generally big-boned, so for me to get down to stick thin Hollywood-sized is an impossible thing, unless I starve myself and go on a hunger strike. Some of my relatives are thin, as in really thin like the typical stick thin Hollywood types, not an ounce of fat in their body and you can see their bones protruding out. Yes, they are blessed with those genes, so they never had to worry about clothes or how they look because they can get away with it, picture perfect. I do envy them, but at the same time, I felt doubtful. Could I really look like that? Because the way they look like are like walking flag poles, and when they fall down, I feel like wincing because science actually says that fat is needed to protect our organs. I experienced a patient fell down before and she was stick thin (not by choice, but because she was sick), so when she fell, she ended up having a bruise. Poor thing. The irony, she wants to gain weight as a healthy person whereas I'm going for the opposite.
Let me assure you I did try a lot of stuff to lose weight, I went on a carb free diet, high protein and fibre diet, went on aggressive exercises on the treadmill, taking less fluids, skipped meals, the only thing I never did was taking meds or under the knife. And even with all my efforts, I still looked the same. I talked to a few guy friends who are close with me, and do you know what they told me? They preferred girls who are healthy looking with a little weight here and there, not stick thin types. Seriously, I nearly bowled over. I never knew that. Everywhere I go I often see stick thin girls looking glamorous, like they just stepped out of the red carpet or fashion magazines. And they often have that smug look on their face, like however they look they will always look flawless. In the end, funnily, my colleagues in work were the one who comforted me. "Look, you're not fat, nor are you thin. But you look just nice the way you are. Why would you go to extreme measures just to please your family?" I was going the wrong way all along, instead of aiming for weight loss, I should've aimed for a healthy lifestyle. Maybe that's why I was gloomy all the while and turning down meal outings with them.
There's another patient whom I encountered few months ago in my clinic. She was big-boned (Trying not to use the fat word here) and had a balloon inserted into her stomach. Her story, she told me was to aim for a healthier lifestyle, and not to overeat. She said that she can still enjoy her food, but in smaller portions, and she never regretted going for that option. And when I told her I was <insert the word here>, she gave me a funny look and said, "I would go crazy just to get your size. Do you know how lucky you are to have a full figure, shapes and all?" I felt silly for doing all of the mentioned above things just to lose weight, and one more thing she said that sticks into my mind. "Numbers on the scale doesn't matter. I'm a little big-boned, but I still get to wear my other clothes and look good." She discharged happily from the clinic, and she does look good when I saw her one day when I'm off duty.
Recently I saw a video of Jennifer Lawrence doing a live interview. And what she said makes me want to cheer. The word FAT should be banned or made illegal. And I whole-heartedly support her. When she was given the role of (Suzanne Collin's Hunger Games trilogy) Katniss Everdeen, there were a lot of critics who said she wasn't fit to be Katniss because she looked fat. !!!! I thought Jennifer looked lovely and represented Katniss character nicely. But the critics said that she was fat, or as they put it, having a fuller figure. They wanted a stick thin model to play Katniss, because in the books, Katniss looks malnourished, since she never had enough to eat and is always looking out for her family.
And there was an article on parenting that I've come across yesterday, and this mother to two or three (I can't remember) kids actually banned the word fat in her household. Because she said she didn't want to de-moralize or lower her kids' confidence and self-esteem on how they look. And she even banned scales from the house, opting to check her weight once every six months at centers instead, for which I salute.
Now I'm also slowly learning to love my body for the way it looks, sure it isn't picture perfect, but I don't want to go down the long road feeling miserable and missing out all the fun things in life. You only get to live once, so cherish whatever you have.
Okay, break's over. Back to writing.

Hectic Month

1st August (Monday) - I can't seem to find the save button for most of my accounts. After my lappy got infected by trojans, my friend reformatted my whole lappy, to the point where he also made a clean slate on my browser. I'm not complaining or anything, but every time I open my browser, I have to type in each and every password and usernames, which it's a little annoying but safer, since I had to force my wee brain to memorize every account usernames and passwords, although there are one or two which I could never remember due to never logging in for a long time. But I did remember some of the important ones, so saved.
The internet at home has gone cuckoo, so here I am, using an outside Wi-Fi, which feels a little unnerved, since you know, home is always comfortable. I never did understand why my sister loves using outside Wi-Fi, I always go for my data plan if I could, but there's a limit which I could not exceed. Small matter, if my limit's up, I just have to settle for the home internet.
These few days work has been hectic. I never assisted a cardiothoracic surgeon more than a day. While the surgeon is a really nice man who taught me what I needed to do, the preparation is more hectic compared to how I assisted the gastro and orthopaedic specialists. I had patients jumping at my throat, demanding me to let them in to see the surgeon, but for heaven's sake, a patient who is going for open heart surgery, valve repairs and other major stuff needs a thorough explanation from A to Z. A new patient came in for a CABG (Coronary Artery Bypass Graft) so my doctor had to prepare tons of paper works, which was all down to me to file in every single paper that came to my way, make sure my doctor signed and wrote his note, sign my part of being the witness, explain everything over again, make sure the blood tests are done.... Whew, a lot of stuff to take in. And there was this patient's wife who actually shouted at me saying that how come he's (my doctor) taking so long. I explained to her he's a new case (Well, not technically. He came few years back and suddenly appeared for a surgery) and he's undergoing a major case, hence we are taking a long time, not just to explain to the patient but to prep everything, from the paper works, the results, the operating theatre, the pre-admission (etc. etc.)  and the patient physically and mentally. She started yelling about how they came early and they expected the doctor to be fast. Yes, everyone wishes for the doctors to be fast because that's the purpose of us coming to the hospital, but you have to be patient.
When her husband's turn finally came and he was discharged from our clinic, the doctor asked me why was she hopping mad and shouting at me. I explained to him regarding the situation and he shakes his head. "She have no right to shout at you. Doesn't she understand that heart cases are quite major and needed many explanations to do?" Well, you could say that most cases do need to be explained but major organ involved such as brain, heart and spine usually takes a lot longer because of the risks involved. (Ah, good times, good times with my old doctor...)
So my aunt did come for a consultation with my old doctor, and can I just say I feel like tearing up? Seriously, I know my doctor said I need to be positive and look on the good side, but arghhhhhhhhh. The new girl who took over my place drove me nuts. When she was first assigned to him, she didn't know what to do, so I taught her the basics of running his clinic. The next day, she practically banned me from stepping foot over there. !!!! If I want to see my old doctor, I have to make an appointment. (Yes! Even for a chat.) For the love of Mary, I had to go through another way which is to call my doctor's extension so that I can be allowed instead of being a persona non grata. Sometimes when I'm assigned to the same floor as her, she will make snippy remarks on how she thrashed all the forms that I previously prepared for my doctor (He has a lot of cases those days), or how I dote on him by letting him run his clinic past lunch time (Is patient or lunch important? You choose), or how she threw the folders that I had carefully organized to avoid going crazy due to the many rotational staff when I'm not around. Well, fine, let her talk. I pretty much gave up on trying to be polite and nice to her. It's her clinic, she can do whatever she wants to it. I'm not in that clinic anymore, so I have no say to what she does.
I always thought of the world to be a good place, yes, I know there's the dark side of it, but I always try to look at the positive side (psychiatrist's advice), but you know, I noticed most people who puts up a friendly front could be seriously nasty. They'll smile and treat you nicely like sugar coated candies, but behind your back, they're the ones who plants the knives and needles. Some are quite stony faced or arrogant looking, but once I get to know them, they are all sweet like marshmallows.
On a bright side, I finally 'graduated' from the psychiatrist side, so no more follow ups for me, hopefully. And now I got to get ready for a chess competition, while juggling work, writing, reading and drawing at the same time.
Now time for me to indulge in reading while cranking up Powerman 5000 on my mp3. Their songs are really good to let out your anger and frustration

Recommended Powerman 5000 songs: Bombshell, Show Me What You Got, Supernova Goes Pop, Supervillain, When World Collides