Reaping Reward

24th January (Saturday) - I come to work with a heavy heart. Don't ask me why, but whenever something bad is happening, my sixth sense is never wrong. It has always worked that way. And it did. After bed-making and shower, the CI and Sister went through one of my patient's I/O chart. He's on a very strict I/O with nephrostomy and a strict restrict fluid of 500ml/day. I gotten to know him as I took care of him for the past few days. Especially with me following his primary doctor most of the time. Today he was due for a stenting, so we got a nice dose of blood for some samples and kept him fasting to prepare for the stenting. So the CI went through my I/O, and said something is not right with the previous shift. The Sister who was hovering nearby frowned and did some calculations. Night shift had total up the final intake/output wrongly. The Sister then asked me to calculate, I total up some correctly, but often, often, I admit I do careless mistakes like forgetting to add up additional things like the drainage output and the medicine input, which of course, leads to an imbalance. This causes the Sister to snap at me. I know she's trying to teach me the importance of the intake output and balance, and I know I often did careless mistakes, but her words really stings me when another prof was nearby. She basically went, "You see, we had a shortage of staff, but you think the company wants to keep these kind of people who can't do a simple I/O?" Seriously, I will say it again, I had never been good with intake output. In my student years, I often get yelled by the CIs who are often frustrated with my carelessness. It wasn't until the end of my 2nd year, in my 4th semester when I was posted to the CCU, that I met my old senior. He's an excellent student, with a CGPA of 3.9 and above, I partnered up with him a few days and even had dinner with him when we are in noon shift. I wept to him once about how no matter how many time I tried to do I/O, I always ended up screaming as the whole thing does not make any sense. Seeing how I was struggling, he got me several blank I/O charts asked me to total up whatever he had wrote in, starting from easy to hardest. It was thanks to him I was finally able to do my I/O without screaming my head off.
Wait, I went a little sidetracked there, so let's get back to the matter at hand. Okay, the Sister thought I was a sort of simpleton who can't do a simple I/O. Isn't this familiar? "You are always doing wrong, so zip it. I don't want to hear any of your excuses." I just sat there, stiffly and poker faced as the Sister and CI went on and on about how awful my calculations are. It does not help that everyone, including the profs are all there, listening to the comments. I can't even say anything to defend myself. Why? Because according to my feedback, "She always fights back and makes tons of excuses. How despicable." I felt like clawing myself again, worse, I felt like I want to die. Really, I wanted to die of shame right then and now, praying that something will fall on me and knock me out.
To make things worse, I heard more bad rumours about me. Especially the most recent one. The time where I assisted my 'big bro' in his patient. I accidently drew Lignocaine instead of Heparin Saline prior he came. The rumour went how I administered the wrong drug to the patient. How dare they!!! I did not give the wrong drug to the patient. I drew the Lignocaine out as I was preparing the tray before prof came. Not during!!! But the damage was done, cause everyone is saying (behind my back) about how awful I was and thank God the patient was alright. NO, I DIDN'T GIVE LIGNOCAINE. I QUICKLY DREW OUT THE HEPARIN AND SET THE LIGNOCAINE ASIDE!!! FAR AWAY FROM MY TRAY!!! God, somebody please just kill me. Put a bullet in my head already.
Trying to shake off the negative feelings, things started going downhill. One of my patient's drip was off, but no one passed to me anything about his drip being off. Foolishly I connected his drip back, only then they told me that his drip was off. Oh no. I already opened a new one, I can't just rip it off, the poor patient... In the end, the only way to make the drip worthwhile was let it run a little bit til at least it was half in and then spigotted back. It's the only way I can compensate the patient.
Then I had to do a wound packing for another patient. Since everyone was busy, and there's only me left, I took up the challenge. It's the first time I'm doing wound packing and I'll admit, it scares me a little, but after assessing the gaping wound, I slowly did my best by irrigating with saline and then drying it with gauze then packing another gauze in by opening and folding it as thin as possible then sliding it in until it's fully covered, then add another layer of gauze on top, a little loosely as per order and secure it with hypafix. Alright. :D
A few of the patients who were close with me asked a little about my health, since they said I looked rather sad. I didn't tell them about how I was hurting, but instead try to make them feel better by just saying I was tired from lack of sleep. I did my best to comfort them, to support them, to help them. Some really patted me on the back and said I was kind and caring with patients. What shocks them was I was only nearly six months old, and yet they said I looked like an expert in handling patients. I only smiled and told them the credits goes to my college, with the tutors there grooming me to be kind and caring. Most of them were going to be discharged so I told them to take care of themselves, that I will be going on a week long break. They were sad to see me go but nevertheless, told me to enjoy my break and go shopping for Chinese New Year as the sales are all drawing near. It really brings me to tears because the patients truly, genuinely appreciate me for every thing I had done, whether it's little or big, from helping them in taking hot water, changing soaked dressings, or answering their questions, including times where I pop in to say hello to them and asked really simple things, like whether they had taken their meals and how are they feeling today. The patient who I first mentioned was also happy with me, and was concerned of my well being as I had a hypoglycemic attack since I was given no chance for a rest at all in sending him up and back due to his procedure being postponed. He won't be discharging anytime soon, so I told him to take care of himself, and that if he's still around, I'll see him again. It makes him smile and he said, "You are a really good person, I'm happy to be under your care."
While the day started off really bad at first, the patients' words really kept me going. I always thought of myself being worthless but being able to make patients happy is a reward itself to me. So, here comes my long week break. See y'all soon.